Re: Person I Knew

Throughout most of middle school and high school, I've had the opportunity to make friends of largely different cultures and backgrounds. Most of the friendships I've developed over the years have a shared set of understood and unspoken rules regarding the nature of the friendship. These rules are rarely acknowledged, acting more like social constructs and set protocols which, when abided by both parties, maintain the peace and safety of all parties involved.

However, it is a rare occurrence for me to encounter new relationships or friendships that break these unspoken rules, whether it's one party becoming more overburdening with their troubles, or worse, when there is an imposed expectation of the kind of friendship one has with someone. Rarely does any violation of these unspoken rules escalate.

The success of a friendship is usually measured by its longevity. There's a certain pride that comes with having a friend for some years. The determinant of a friendship's success is largely dependent on how well these aforementioned social constructs can be followed by both parties.

In an age where the loneliness epidemic seems to be at its peak, even in the days after the lockdown years, the rather standard cookie-cutter response to these victims is, "Why not just go out and make friends?" This advice, however, often falls short. It's rare outside of certain curated environments such as in school or at work that one has the opportunity to mingle with people similar to oneself; arguably, this is even rarer in the case of the workplace.

The art of observation: the lessons of knowing and understanding the different kinds of people in one's environment, seeing them interact with the people and the immediate environment, is lost in the age where people are increasingly consumed by their smartphones. Thus, how will we solve society's loneliness problem when, seemingly, we are unable and/or unwilling to put our devices down and start talking to people, rendering it practically impossible for us to acknowledge and understand the different kinds of people around us?

Most friendships that tend to be successful have what is referred to as "that instant click." When, for usually unknown reasons, there exists an instant recognition and deep understanding of the other party from the very beginning. There's a general notion that many friendships tend to bond strongly over shared interests, and to an extent, that rings true for most friendships. However, there exist some friendships that, despite the lack of a common thread, interest, or otherwise, have begun with that instant click.

I theorize that the loneliness epidemic stems from people tending to look at others as something of a solution. Usually, there's a fantasy or desire that these people seek from a friendship, and by doing so, imposing said fantasy of a friendship on people, setting rather high expectations of what they seek in a friendship, leading to disappointment when for any assortment of reasons, the reality is much different than what they had envisioned.

People no longer have the patience to seek that "click" with different people, but would rather make attempts at a forced friendship with a particular someone they think they like, imposing some type of fantasy of what that new friendship will be like.

An antidote to their problems: people believe that if they could have just this one friend, or this one relationship, they wouldn't be so lonely anymore. Imposing any ideal or expectation on anyone leads to the relationship becoming a type of one-way street, usually becoming the conflict point of a lot of friendships which largely miss that "click" that makes the functions of the relationship realized. Those unspoken constructs which form the building block of any successful or understood friendship are lost between two people who lack that "click."

While that instant "click" often forms the foundation of lasting friendships, it doesn't guarantee a balanced relationship. Even friendships that start with a strong connection can evolve in unexpected ways. As we navigate our 20s, we sometimes find ourselves in relationships that, despite their promising beginnings, progressively become one-sided and draining. This shift can be subtle at first, but over time, it becomes impossible to ignore.

I'm no stranger to an unbalanced friendship. Finding myself on the receiving end of a one-way street reveals uncomfortable truths about the nature of certain relationships. When friendships become one-sided, there's a tendency for one person to become overburdened, slowly putting the very existence of the friendship into question.

I often find myself tip-toeing around conversations when a friend confides in me about their problems or difficult situations, trying to discern whether they're seeking advice or simply need someone to listen to their monologue. Increasingly, I question: Why should I continue this friendship when it demands more from me than I'm willing or able to give?

Having been on the receiving end of these monologues, I've learned to mentally distance myself during certain conversations. It becomes clear that what they seek isn't a friend who can provide advice, but rather a loyal audience. They want someone to nod in agreement, express distaste, or show shock when cued. No longer am I a friend who can help or offer genuine advice; I've become little more than talking furniture.

Over time, I realize that my friend's troubles aren't just isolated incidents – not just another bad date or another difficult colleague. Instead, what emerges is a consistent pattern of self-sabotage and occasional arrogance.

On the rare occasions when they do ask for my advice, which I usually provide as a simple, often times Occam's Razor deduction, they only seem to accept it if their therapist later repeats the same sentiments. It's as if my words only gain validity when echoed by a professional, further cementing my role as a mere sounding board.

Reflecting on these experiences, I've come to understand that the essence of true friendship lies in mutual respect and balanced reciprocity. At the core, the people we consider our friends are those we respect and on whom we expect to depend in times of need. However, to gain the respect of our peers, we must first and foremost respect ourselves.

Ultimately, this self-respect allows us to recognize when a friendship has become unbalanced or draining, and gives us the strength to either address these issues or, if necessary, to step away. In my experience, I've found myself having to step away from many friendships in the past.